Captured All Alone

time stops time travels

the ship stops the mind runs

left to right and front to back

confusion is only an illusion

the minds games trick us into feeling the horrible sides that shouldn’t exist. 

I want to dance in the rain and play in the sand. I want to travel and set up a life for us, slowly and surely making sure we take this in steps. I’m trying to figure out how to make this situation that im stuck in feel like its not going to just blow up in my face and just be the last little thing that pushes me over the edge, im so close theres not much that is keeping me with my chin above water during this tidal storm of shit that has just hit the fan blade to my life. I really don’t want to lose this, the connection. I need to start looking at myself and asking myself some questions. I need to do this more often I need to make time to sit down and write to myself on a daily basis, I also need to get back into meditating, its been to long sense I have done that. 

I want to make this time im here seem valuable and worth while to let her know that living together wont be so hard. and that things will work out and be okay. ^_^ 

I have this problem. Trying to give to much attention maybe for my own needs and problems. I feel like being close and touching is feeling everything the explosions of light and blooms of light that happen in my mind my hearth in every single cell thats in my body I just want to make her happy with it and send it all her way. 

But right now I’m fighting with myself to much to let this happen. I need to just relax calm my mind and be normal for once just act like yourself and stop trying to “fix” things before they even break. Take the steps forward that are right and necessarily the only right ones you should be looking at right now.

Silent night. Deathly creeping of fright. laying alone. Consuming thoughts. You are the one who i love, i planned on moving into a place with you. You made me think this is what you wanted, we even started saving. You have snatched that away, changing your thoughts and choosing to stay. In that little town full of everything i don’t want to have a part of my life associated with. The drugs the booze the parties the friends I have there i love them but don’t trust them. Now your alone down there and you want that. Together were still one, but the distance in this killer of this at least for this one.

No one has made me feel the way you do, cured my loneliness, there’s a reason I cheated in my past a reason why i was unfaithful. No one managed to make me feel unlonely even laying in there arms I was still all alone. But with you its different, you full my heart with a light. A warn glow.

Tonight i needed you, i really did I’ve never asked you to be here for me, not once have i needed you like I do now. Just to talk to me to calm my mind and relax me to a point where sleep don’t frighten me. where I know my dreams won’t attempt to make my life tomorrow a hell. I ask you for that and i get a text letting me know you can’t or won’t or hell maybe you don’t even want to. A witty reply of thanks… And you call just cause you can tell I’m upset, yet you do nothing to help just say your going to bed. So heres my thanks fir all the times I’ve been there and will be here when you need it. This once i needed you. You left me feeling alone. The one thing i thought you could never do.

I love you.

Heres to hoping, maybe one day I’ll tell you how you made me feel on this night. The night my dreams got crushed and you went even talk to me and try to clear the evil from my brain.

Alone, something i hope i never make you feel.